Can I really?
Last night, on a whim, I went to an audition. Yea, it’s local theatre but I haven’t auditioned for three years and even then I was asked and had read the play prior to auditioning.
I don’t audition. I don’t even do theatre anymore. This isn’t the time of my life when I’d do shows back to back to back. At one time I spent 16 months constantly involved in shows. This is not that time.
Since 2000 I’ve done four shows on stage. I did a bit part in a Christmas show. I think that was Christmas of 2000 or maybe 2001. Shortly after that I did a bit part in “Pride and Prejudice” as the butler. I had maybe six lines. I did a minor comedy part as a Troll in “The Hobbit” in 2003. Then in early 2007 I did a narrator role for the children’s play “Twinderella.”
That’s it. For two of those I didn’t even audition in the normal fashion. For “Hobbit” I was actually on the casting committee. We didn’t get enough large men to play trolls so I got recruited. For “Pride” I got a private audition because they were desperate for men to play bit parts. Even the Christmas play, my first audition, was for a very friendly director.
So my auditions have been very rare. Mostly because auditions make me very sick. I did blow chunks just before last nights audition. I arrived late because the rugrats had tball. In fact, I didn’t even know about the auditions at all prior to reading a tweet about them from a friend the day before.
I was totally unprepared. I managed to find an audition notice on facebook while driving to the audition. After arriving and losing my dinner in the bathroom I tried to sneak in the back to wait for a break in the audition reading before trying to slip in and getting a form.
No such luck. The assistant director caught me slipping in. He called me down front to fill in a form and then tossed me on stage to read a scene almost immediatly. (I think if I’d just been ten minutes later I’d have missed it entirely.)
I read the first scene, screwed it up horribly, and was going to slip out. Before I could I got called back up on stage for another reading. And another. And pretty much became the go to guy for everyone else who hadn’t read a part they were interested in. Couldn’t the casting committee see I was about to explode into a ball of noxious gases? I could have wiped out the entire theatre!
So the announcement finally came and auditions were over. I could escape! I ran outside and lit a much needed smoke and tried to relax. I chatted with the few other people there I knew, and spent far longer catching up with old friends than strictly required. It was almost like being back involved in theatre.
God I hate auditions. That’s why I work behind the scenes in theatre. Or on the scenes. Or don’t do theatre at all anymore. There is only one thing worse than auditioning. And that’s performing. If I get cast, I’ll need to find a good supplier of air sickness bags so I can keep a stash near my entrances and exits.
Damn you Blue Fairy. Why’d I read that tweet?