The Life and Times of Oliver Wendell Jones

A look at Twitter and there is currently a kerfuffle over the lack of intelligence of Oliver Wendell Jones.  This is my rebuttal, and I will attempt to prove that Jones was a national treasure that left us too soon.

Jones, by all accounts, was a child prodigy.  After he conned his parents into purchasing a Banana 6000 computer, Jones quickly studied and learned the art of Hacking, and was responsible for some of the most amazing hacks of the late 80’s and early 90’s.  Once, Jones hacked into the New York Times and changed a headline that read “Reagan Calls Women ‘America’s Greatest Resource'” to read “Reagan Calls Women ‘America’s Lil’ Dumplin’s'” to the digest of feminists everywhere.  Who can forget the White House lawn littered with dumplings after the 1987 Dumpling Attack lead by feminists nationwide?

In addition to being a hacker, Jones was an accomplished inventor.  He built an atomic bomb for a middle school science project, which got him promptly expelled.  He then went on to invent the Electro-photo pigmentizer, a device designed to darken the skin tone of anyone flashed by it.  Jones planned on using the Electro-photo pigmentizer on the Ambassador of South Africa in a misguided attempt to bring down apartheid.

Perhaps his greatest achievement was beating Stephen Hawking to the Grand Unification Theory.  His first proof was nearly disastrous, when he almost wiped out of existence his best friend, Opus, but at the last possible second, realized he forgot to carry a 2, and the crisis was averted.  However, it did start a bitter feud between Hawking and Jones that continued until Jones untimely disappearance.

Jones mysteriously disappeared in 1995, last seen at a cafe named Outland in Bloom County, New York.  He is now believed to be deceased, although rumors have circulated that he was hanging around newsstands all over the country in the mid-2000’s.  This has not been confirmed.

All images associated with this post are the copyright of Berkeley Breathed, whom I hold in the highest esteem, and hope he will forgive me for the unauthorized use of his work.  If a certain adjudicated harasser wishes to contact Breathed and report my use of his copyright, I hope he includes his use of Oliver Wendell Jones, so that perhaps Breathed will get as big a laugh as the rest of us.  In an effort to make up for using Breathed’s copyrighted material without permission, here is a great link to his books and merchandise.  Go relive the best political cartoonist of all time. I already have all his books.  

 UPDATE: I’m not sure who got to Bloom County first, but you should look at Hogewash’s take as well.

18 thoughts on “The Life and Times of Oliver Wendell Jones

  1. Pingback: Well, Either One’s a Genius | hogewash

  2. Who said anything derogatory about Oliver? He was a brilliant lad who would have filed the proper forms when applying for a copyright, would have read the instructions on his computer screen that explained why he should not have filed using form G/DN, would not have changed his blog’s Terms of Service on the same day as a court hearing, or made any of the other grievous errors Hoge, the person who is suing me for using items I had his permission to use, has made. Now, I know your readers won’t see this, Michael, but if you read the document I posted very carefully as I’m sure the Judge who told Hoge he has no case will, I’m sure you will understand why all of this nonsense sounds a lot like foolish people whistling past the graveyard.

    Have a splendid day and (Redacted for continued creepiness).

    • He also knew the difference between “Jones” and “Holmes”.

      And wouldn’t think of confusing the two in a LEGAL BRIEF!

  3. Today’s news:
    -Huge solar flare threatens Earth and fails to file copyright application in proper category.
    -Earthquake in Phillipines kills 30 thousand preventing them from filing their copyright applications.
    -President impeached, probably from checking the wrong box on his copyright form.

    Who really gives a shit dude? If he wins we rejoice because he beat you. If he loses we shrug because he made you dance and there will be a next time because you’re you.

    • If half the cases I know about actually come to being filed, Schmalfeldt has an interesting year ahead. Truthfully, I suspect the number is closer to 10 percent. I’m happy to hear he no longer relies on VR to write. There isn’t enough Arizona Tea to quench that level of talking.

      • He reaps what he sows, then.

        If Bill becomes too busy dealing with the consequences of his own actions, he may no longer be able to attack people on Kimberlin’s behalf, and therefore Kimberlin will have to scrape even lower in the bottom of the barrel, to find a replacement.

      • If it does to pass, Kimberlin will have nothing left to pursue. Bill will be left all alone, abandoned by those he tried to defend, while he justifies his own actions.

        A sad state of affairs. I’d feel sorrow if he wasn’t such a ignorant ass.

  4. Bill’s “thought process”.

    Judge says some less than complementary things about Hoge’s case in court as Bill sits in a corner and diddles himself.

    Someone reads Bill what the judge wrote and points at Bill saying “GOOD. YOU.”

    Bill jumps completely past “Hoge lost his request for a preliminary injunction”, past “Hoge will lose his copyright case against me”, all the way to, “I’m going to win a jillion dollars ’cause…..WIN!”

    Having already won, Bill takes to twitter to gloat over his soon-to-be/already done “victory”.

    Hilarity ensues.

      • Agreed. By then Bill will have a new twitter handle and blog. He’ll deny any of this even happened. When you post screencaps proving it did, he’ll just claim it was “satire”.

      • This ^^^^^^^^^

        Whenever Bill is in a bind or gets caught in too many lies he just shitcans everything and pretends it never happened. I think he really believes the old “If you can’t see me I can’t see you” childish meme and thinks by deleting his lies that no one will remember them.

      • Its a bit like watching an FM signal on the scope. There’s varying periods for different things: radio stations, blogs, twitter handles, meltdowns, doom clocks, memory holings, dox campaigns etc. Periodicities vary for each and they all overlap. I suppose twitter handle changes is probably as reliable a cyclic indicator as anything and for that I’d guess something like bi-monthly. My favorite is meltdowns. I don’t have solid data but Tuesdays seem to me like prime melty days.

      • But worry not, young padawan.
        Always another #fledtdown there is.
        Learn now you will,
        “monkey now dance you must”
        Or spittle you will lick not.

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