A look at Twitter and there is currently a kerfuffle over the lack of intelligence of Oliver Wendell Jones. This is my rebuttal, and I will attempt to prove that Jones was a national treasure that left us too soon.
Jones, by all accounts, was a child prodigy. After he conned his parents into purchasing a Banana 6000 computer, Jones quickly studied and learned the art of Hacking, and was responsible for some of the most amazing hacks of the late 80’s and early 90’s. Once, Jones hacked into the New York Times and changed a headline that read “Reagan Calls Women ‘America’s Greatest Resource'” to read “Reagan Calls Women ‘America’s Lil’ Dumplin’s'” to the digest of feminists everywhere. Who can forget the White House lawn littered with dumplings after the 1987 Dumpling Attack lead by feminists nationwide?
In addition to being a hacker, Jones was an accomplished inventor. He built an atomic bomb for a middle school science project, which got him promptly expelled. He then went on to invent the Electro-photo pigmentizer, a device designed to darken the skin tone of anyone flashed by it. Jones planned on using the Electro-photo pigmentizer on the Ambassador of South Africa in a misguided attempt to bring down apartheid.
Perhaps his greatest achievement was beating Stephen Hawking to the Grand Unification Theory. His first proof was nearly disastrous, when he almost wiped out of existence his best friend, Opus, but at the last possible second, realized he forgot to carry a 2, and the crisis was averted. However, it did start a bitter feud between Hawking and Jones that continued until Jones untimely disappearance.
Jones mysteriously disappeared in 1995, last seen at a cafe named Outland in Bloom County, New York. He is now believed to be deceased, although rumors have circulated that he was hanging around newsstands all over the country in the mid-2000’s. This has not been confirmed.All images associated with this post are the copyright of Berkeley Breathed, whom I hold in the highest esteem, and hope he will forgive me for the unauthorized use of his work. If a certain adjudicated harasser wishes to contact Breathed and report my use of his copyright, I hope he includes his use of Oliver Wendell Jones, so that perhaps Breathed will get as big a laugh as the rest of us. In an effort to make up for using Breathed’s copyrighted material without permission, here is a great link to his books and merchandise. Go relive the best political cartoonist of all time. I already have all his books.
UPDATE: I’m not sure who got to Bloom County first, but you should look at Hogewash’s take as well.